Saddam: "I Would Endorse A Kerry Ticket With Kennedy As VP."

In an exclusive interview yesterday with NBC's Tim Russert, Saddam Hussein claimed that he would have "no problem" with a Democratic ticket that included John Kerry as president and Ted Kennedy as vice president. The reason, he said, is that "they're anti-war, pro-economic growth, pro-choice-and they've both killed people and left them for dead, which in my opinion is the best gauge of leadership skills."

Saddam Hussein explained in the interview that "although Kerry is stale and hackneyed, he has the best chance of beating Bush, given the leftward slant of the other contenders and the current American mood. Also, I have to assume that, as a Vietnam vet, he killed a bunch of gooks and left at least a few of them for dead. Those aint Saddam Hussein numbers, but it's a start."

As for the surprising choice of Ted Kennedy as a VP, Saddam became even more animated. "Well, lets face it, the Kennedys are American royalty," he said, "not only would Kennedy secure the liberal base and bring out the blue-blood vote, his name evokes great American memories, and he may also help to increase African American participation in the election."

This lead to an interesting exchange between Russert and Hussein.

Russert: But what about Chappaquiddick?

Hussein: You're acting like that's a negative. Not only did Ted kill some chick during a drunken bender, he left her for dead, never apologized, and used his connections to get out of trouble. Even as a ruthless dictator, even I have to say that's some bad-ass shit. And then there's the women, and the drinking, and the . . .

Russert: Wait. Are you saying that having killed people is a good quality for a president?

Hussein: Yes, of course. I mean, what else is there really?

Russert: So Kerry's probably a shoe in, right? But I'm curious about . .

Hussein: Well not exactly, I mean Kerry probably killed people, but it was a war so the cold-blooded-ness is at a different level. I mean lets face it: there's a difference between leaving some chick for dead after DUI accident, and mowing down Charlie while he's shooting at you. But even given that, I have to assume that . . .

Russert: . . . but what about Sharpton? What about Sharpton? Do you want him to be president? He had a least one person killed, a Hasidic Jew no less-and haven't you heard of Freddy's Fashion Mart? His actions lead to the death of seven people there. Certainly that must resonate with you . . . [cross talk]

Hussein: . . . aha! Here's where you think "ruthless" dictator means "idiotic" dictator! Sharpton is completely unelectable. He hasn't even allied with the wider left-even Jesse Jackson did that in '84. But that notwithstanding, I have to admire the way he whips up a mob, has people killed, and is still treated as a viable Democratic candidate by the media . . .

Russert: Not only that, he fraudulently destroyed the lives of at least two other people---policemen no less. That must count for something in the dictator's political handbook, right? You're being hypocritical . . .

[cross talk]

Hussein: Ok, I see your point. The dictator in me says that Sharpton is the man, but the politician in me knows that he stands no chance of being elected. America is a racist: it would never elect a black murderer over a white one. So no, I cannot endorse Sharpton for President, although I definitely give him "props."

Russert: What about recent drop-out Clark? He is a four-star general who fought in Vietnam.

Hussein: Yeah, I know, but he's really weird.

Russert: Indeed.

Although Saddam admitted that either Dean or Kucinich presidency would be "personally advantageous" for him, he said that he "just couldn't bring himself to endorse them," adding that "they're probably even vegetarians."

Pollster John Zogby believes that there is actually a good chance that Kerry might select Kennedy as his running mate. "According to our numbers, Kerry is not polling well with bubble-headed lushes, ugly womanizers, or fatuous windbags; the selection of Kennedy might turn those numbers around."

John Kerry's office did not return phone calls when asked for comment.

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