Kerry Mulling New “Secretary of Drunken
Women Drowned in Shallow Rivers” Cabinet Position; Mystery Abounds
Over Possible Appointees
WASHINGTON – Democratic front-runner Senator John Kerry has hinted at
the first of numerous changes he would like to implement if elected
President in November. Rumors coming from sources at the Kerry camp
indicate that he will ask Congress to create a new “Office of
Political Security”, which will serve to monitor, deflect, and impede
potentially scandalous situations before they “come to the surface”.
“The
age of dirty politics is clearly playing an important role in this
initiative,” indicated a source at Kerry Campaign Headquarters. “The
strength of our nation relies upon the ability to obfuscate, cover-up,
and stamp out evidence of malfeasance and dereliction of office.
Senator Kerry would like to be insulated from such calumny.”
The
new cabinet position, Secretary of Drunken Women Drowned in Shallow
Rivers, would employ roughly two to three thousand private
investigators, extortionists, and “assisted suicide engineers” whose
sole function will be to comb through mountains of data provided on
current, former, and future potential enemies of the Executive branch.
Response has been tepid at best. Syndicated columnist George Will
called the alleged proposal “Napoleanic” and “akin to the opening
shots at Fort Sumter”, finally recommending that Kerry
“once-and-for-all rid this country of the designated hitter.”
Furthermore, beltway insiders are pessimistic about the ability to
find a worthy candidate to fill the position of Secretary of Drunken
Women Drowned in Shallow Rivers.
“There’s not many names that come to mind,” opined Chicago Sun-Times
columnist Robert Novak. “I’ve been in Washington for forty years, and
I can’t think of a single person qualified to hold the position of
Secretary of Drunken Women Drowned in Shallow Rivers.”
“He’s
going to need a lifetime politician,” added CNN political analyst Bill
Schneider. “Someone from a Democratic family that’s been part of the
political fabric for decades. Someone who knows a thing or two about
drunkenness – and drowning. That would be the optimum choice, but good
luck finding him.”
In
related news, sources could not confirm a rumored Kerry proposal to
add Ho Chi Minh to Mount Rushmore.
Much of the
information found on these pages was emailed to me, often without credit
to the original author. Credit will be given to the author and links to
the original material when known
