John Kerry Denies Being Stoned Since Tet Offensive

Boston - Speaking before supporters today, Senator John Kerry tried to reassure his campaign workers that he did not pick up a major drug habit while in Vietnam. Kerry also asked his campaign staff to make sure that there are plenty of Oreos and peanut butter on hand at all future campaign stops because he sometimes gets an uncontrollable urge for junk food which he attributes to hypoglycemia.

Kerry also said that campaign workers should not be alarmed if they see him apply a tourniquet to his arm and use a candle to heat up a liquid substance in a spoon. The Senator said that he was trained as a medic while in Vietnam and likes to perform medical procedures on himself “just to keep up my skills.”

In related news, Kerry is expected to receive endorsements from Steven Sills, Tommy Chong and Woody Harrelson tomorrow during a campaign appearance at the “Just So No” Foundation headquarters in Los Angeles.