John Kerry Says He Worked Hard to Become Mr. Heinz

Paris, France - Speaking from his presidential campaign headquarters this morning, Senator John F. Kerry-Heinz denied accusations from his opponents for the Democrat nomination that he is a “glorified gigolo” and “playboy” who has used his wife’s millions to garner a top position in the crowded field for the Democrat nomination.

Kerry-Heinz seemed particularly upset at the Rev. Al Sharpton’s characterization of him as a “lazy ass cracker who’s never worked a day in his life.” Kerry-Heinz’s voice almost displayed emotion as he told the press, “I’ll have you know that I worked very hard to become Mr. Heinz and have access to my wife’s inheritance. I had to work out three hours a day and undergo a strict nutritional regimen to be able to compete against the young gigolos out there, many of whom are two decades younger than me. And I did it before viagra.”

Kerry-Heinz then stormed out of the session, but returned briefly to announce, “And another thing. Bagging an older wealthy widow has changed me in many ways. I have a lot more respect for Richard Gere now.”

In related news, Senator Kerry-Heinz announced that if he is elected president he will divorce his current wife and will marry either Queen Noor of Jordan, Anna-Nicole Smith or a widow to be named later.