(Undisclosed Location,
Afghanistan)-- Leaders of Al-Qaeda announced today that they are
officially backing Massachusetts Senator John F. “Frenchy” Kerry in
the 2004 United States presidential campaign.
“We examined very carefully the policies of the candidates of the two
major political parties,” said Sheik Ali bin Mooqi, chairman of
Al-Qaeda’s Committee for Jihad and Political Outreach, “And we
determined that Senator Kerry’s policies are good for Al-Qaeda. We are
especially impressed with Senator Kerry’s desire to let the United
Nations take over the War Against Terror. Diplomatic dialogue is the
terrorist’s best friend, and we are encouraged by Senator Kerry’s
embrace of appeasement.”
Officials for Al-Qaeda say that they will spend a large amount of
money on voter education programs, including the torture, kidnapping
and execution of anyone opposed to Senator Kerry’s election. “We’ve
also earmarked funds for ballot-stuffing,” said Mr. Mooqi. “As you can
well imagine, Florida is a high priority.” Speaking on condition of
anonymity, a source close to the Kerry campaign told this reporter
that Senator Kerry welcomes the support of Al-Qaeda and wants to make
his campaign a “big-tent campaign even if some of his supporters want
to burn down the tent. The Senator believes that cultural diversity is
much more important than national security.”
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